The Epic Ms. Evil & BlackOps Wedding/Court Appearance Transcript...

Bailiff: All rise. The honorable Judge Murdock is entering the court room.

Murdock: What case is this? I have a terrible hangover and want to get this over as quickly as possible.

Bailiff: You won’t like this one, sir. Docket number 666, case of the goat and llama sacrifice.

Murdock: (exhales deeply) I knew I should have called in sick today. BlackOps and Ms. Evil, how do you plea?

BO: Not guilty by reason of insanity.

Ms.Evil: The mixer made me do it.

Murdock: District attorney, please make your opening remarks.

DA Jono: I am here today to prove that these two sick fucks need to be
locked up for life for the crimes they committed. They murdered and fed
upon the raw flesh of farm animals. After killing an partial eating
these poor beasts, they sodomized the animals.

Jury, once you all see the evidence, including video tape and
confessions, you will have no doubt that these two committed these
crimes with full understanding that this was against the law.

Murdock: Will defense please make their opening statement?

Defense attorney Spite: I know I am suppose to stand up here before
you good people of the jury and convince you that these two should be
set free. That is what they are paying me for anyways. Had it just been
a hooker they did these things to and buried her body in the desert, I
would have no issues defending them.

(paces back and forth in thought) I just can’t say those words. They are a danger to themselves and others.

Ms.Evil: I am so glad I wrote you a bad check! Do your fucking job, Spite. Tell them we need to be released.

BO (to Ms.Evil): I like you better when you are tied up though.

Ms.Evil(to BO): Only if you promise to whip me and bathe me in llama blood.

Murdock: That is enough from you two. Jono, call your first witness please.

Jono: My first witness is the court appointed shrink.

TomCleary the Shrink (takes the stand): I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God.

Ms.Evil(in a dark low voice): God can’t help you now. (insert cackle from Ms. Evil)

Jono: Tom, you had a chance to sit down one on one with each of the defendants. Please tell us about your interviews.

Tom: They are some sick individuals. They started on the goat as they
found it weak and lacking leadership. They dressed it up in bondage
attire and danced with it.

Then BlackOps started to cut it with a razorblade. Short, shallow cuts
just to hear it “baaaa” in pain. Ms. Evil stopped him and skinned the
live animal instead. She was already naked at this point and dressed
herself in the goat skin. She crawled around on all fours making goat
noises.

BlackOps thought this was hawt and fornicated with her beside the goat on the alter.

Jono: Alter? A Pagan alter?

Tom: No, Pagan’s do not sacrifice animals. This was an alter of an unknown religion.

Jono: Please continue with your analysis.

Tom: So after they were done, they cut open the goats skull while
it was still alive and scoped out the brains. Ms. Evil then mixed up a
cookie dough with the brains and they ate it raw while smoking weed.

Then they both fornicated with the dead body of the poor beast and burnt it.

Jono: I had a pet goat as a child. This crime sickens me.

Tom: It gets worse. Ms. Evil felt “unclean” and sent BlackOps to
the zoo to steal a llama. She blew up a baby pool and rigged up the
llama above it. She cut the llamas throat and bathed in the blood.

She and BlackOps then drank some of the blood mixed with whiskey.

The defendants lowered the body to the alter and she cut open the
stomach- neck to tail. They crawled inside of the llama and that is
where they were found the next morning by the local police.

Jono: In your opinion, was BlackOps insane when he committed these crimes?

Tom: Yes, he had to be.

Jono: In your opinion, was Ms. Evil insane when she committed these crimes?

Tom: No, she was just being herself.

Murdock: Would the defense like to cross examine this witness.

Spite: Nothing can help these people now. No, I won’t waste the courts time.

Murdock: Thank you, Tom. You may step down.

Jono: Prosecution calls it’s next witness. This is the man that video taped the whole thing.

Glip (takes the stand, he is obviously shaken): Why are they here? You promised I wouldn’t have to see them again.

Jono: It is ok, Glip. They can’t hurt you. Please tell us about that night.

Glip: I thought I was going to film them making a porno. I was all excited about it. I never expected what I saw.

Jono: Is the description Tom has given accurate?

Glip: Yes, you can show the jury the video if you don’t believe me.

Jono: The video is too disturbing.

Glip: Yeah, I haven’t eaten, slept, or been able to get a hard on since that night. Everything Tom said was true.

Jono: Thank you, Glip. Prosecution rests.

Murdock: Spite, would you like to cross examine this witness?

Spite: No.

Murdock: Glip, you are excused.

Defense, would you like to call any witnesses?

Spite: Yes, with a heavy heart I must. Defense calls Screaming Jimmy to the stand.

Screaming Jimmy sits in witness chair.

Spite: Is the testimony Tom given true?

SJ: Yeah it is. I was there. That was the most amazing wedding I have ever seen.

Spite: Wedding???

SJ: Yes, that was the ceremony they used to get married. I performed it.

Spite: Would you describe their behavior as an expression of religion?

SJ: No religion I ever heard of.

Spite: Do you approve of their actions?

SJ: No. They are some really sick fuckers. I mean, BlackOps and I
often fuck goats, but the rest was Ms. Evil’s ideas. She really is a
bad influence on him.

Spite: Did you have sex with the animals that night?

SJ: The goat is the one that I call Sally. She was my girlfriend. I
had fucked her about an hour before BlackOps picked her up. I did help
BO steal the llama, but didn’t have sex with it. I didn’t have a
ladder.

Spite: Thank you. I am done with this witness.

Murdock: You are excused Screaming Jimmy. Please talk to Tom about your love of farm animals on your way out.

Spite: With a heavy heart I call BlackOps to the stand.

(blackOps sits in witness chair)

Spite: BlackOps, do you have any regrets about that night?

BO: None. It was the best night of my life. Mildred the toaster told me I would enjoy it.

Spite: Your toaster talks to you?

BO: Yes, she is really cool and gives me all of my best ideas.

Spite: Do you feel you deserve the death penalty for what you did to those animals?

BO: No, everyone fucks and eats animals. We just did it in a new way.

Spite: Please get off the stand now.

I call Ms. Evil to the stand.

(Ms. Evil takes the stand.)

Spite: Ms. Evil, do you feel at all bad about anything that happened upon the night in question?

Ms.Evil: Yes, I only came 7 times. My mixer promised if I did those things I would get 13.

Spite: Your mixer? Like the thing in the kitchen that you use to make cookies?

Ms.Evil: Yes, his name is Marty.

Spite: Anything else you would like to share with the jury before they send you to death row?

Ms.Evil: Of course. (turns to face jury) If you all let BlackOps and myself go home, I will rep you all and give you cookies.

Murdock: I have had enough of this. Jury, please be back in 10 minutes with the guilty verdict.

(jury leaves the court room and returns in 2 minutes)

Jury Foreman Halele: We the Jury find BlackOps and Ms. Evil guilty
of public nudity. We suggest a sentence of 10 hours community service.

Murdock (bangs gavel): This disgusts me and is clearly a failure of
our law to convict these two crazy idiots. They are both to server 10
hours of community service answering questions on the Travian forums
and are on 2 years of probation.

Ms.Evil: Thanks Hal! I am so leaving my door unlocked for you tonight.

Pass the weed please